OK so on the 7th June 2016 i set out to go on a bike ride i had set myself a 73 mile route ( i was being Ambitious my plans for the day was to go for a bike ride and come home have a bath and then go and see my granddad in hospital so i started out like any other ride i was a little nervous as i had never done a long ride with the new road pedal and road shoes but figured i had to start somewhere.
so i get to Greenwich and go under the foot tunnel everything up til then was pretty the same i was taking it slow as i was concerned how i would fair up on the mileage and i had set myself a lot of hill climbs which i'm not fond of. Anyway i get to Greenwich park and was looking forward to going through Greenwich park and up the hill til i saw it it looked steep and it was my first challenge and i got through it keeping ahead of the cyclist behind me i joined shooters hill and at first i thought my route planning was up the shoot i was expecting it to be a lot steeper I've now learnt careful what you wish for 1 mile in or so it seemed the gradient went from easy to ok its silly steep now but i have to admit i thought to give up but battled on and enjoyed the ride down hill nearly hitting 40 mph setting off the sign did make me smile i'm not going to lie as i cycled on i had to check my route a few times as i had planned to go up knee hill (my challenge was to get up in one piece) and when i checked i was going up bostal road hill a couple of photos of bostal hill and how i looked just getting u pit.
Anyway i get to the homeward stretch and look up and the clouds looks like they are about to rain down on me realizing I've been out for nearly three hours i decide to round up my ride to the 40 mil mark and call it a day so i start to do a round trip near home as i do the heavens open and it buckets down being only 1.2 miles short of my distance i say sod it i'm going to finish what i started and so battle through it and get the 40 mile mark and turn into home.
I get home run the bath and chill why i i'm waiting for the bath to gill up mum comes in from walking the dogs and just after 3pm we get a call to come to the hospital and bring everyone my heart sinks i jump out of my cycling gear and am ready to go in 3 minutes to get to the hospital mum and i are in the car after she has made the calls to get hold of our family we make it to the hospital and my heart sinks i cant express what this man has meant to me and how i feel now i'm trying to battle my emotions as i'm scared of what i will say and how i'm feeling i know i need to get away after all the formal bits and i'm staying strong for my mum but i'm hurting i'm hurting really bad i thought last year when my marriage collapsed that was it that was the end as my children mean the world and i didn't see a way forward now i feel even deeper i'm battling and i will stay strong but slipping into depression before was difficult to get out of but i managed it without the help of the mental health team who did nothing for me.
I will get through this now its just so hard and i'm hurting so so so much i don't know what else to do but i know granddad is looking down on me and he was a fighter and always taught me to push myself and to keep fighting and i will but granddad its hard now i feel my strength has gone but i will get through this and i will succeed its strange as most people need people around at this time but me i'm different i just want to be left alone to work out everything to come to terms with what has happened and what i will do now.
I have to reevaluate my life and what i want out of life and do what i want to do.