Tuesday, 14 June 2016
Friday, 10 June 2016
Anyway i get to the homeward stretch and look up and the clouds looks like they are about to rain down on me realizing I've been out for nearly three hours i decide to round up my ride to the 40 mil mark and call it a day so i start to do a round trip near home as i do the heavens open and it buckets down being only 1.2 miles short of my distance i say sod it i'm going to finish what i started and so battle through it and get the 40 mile mark and turn into home.
I get home run the bath and chill why i i'm waiting for the bath to gill up mum comes in from walking the dogs and just after 3pm we get a call to come to the hospital and bring everyone my heart sinks i jump out of my cycling gear and am ready to go in 3 minutes to get to the hospital mum and i are in the car after she has made the calls to get hold of our family we make it to the hospital and my heart sinks i cant express what this man has meant to me and how i feel now i'm trying to battle my emotions as i'm scared of what i will say and how i'm feeling i know i need to get away after all the formal bits and i'm staying strong for my mum but i'm hurting i'm hurting really bad i thought last year when my marriage collapsed that was it that was the end as my children mean the world and i didn't see a way forward now i feel even deeper i'm battling and i will stay strong but slipping into depression before was difficult to get out of but i managed it without the help of the mental health team who did nothing for me.
I will get through this now its just so hard and i'm hurting so so so much i don't know what else to do but i know granddad is looking down on me and he was a fighter and always taught me to push myself and to keep fighting and i will but granddad its hard now i feel my strength has gone but i will get through this and i will succeed its strange as most people need people around at this time but me i'm different i just want to be left alone to work out everything to come to terms with what has happened and what i will do now.
I have to reevaluate my life and what i want out of life and do what i want to do.
Wednesday, 8 June 2016
Thursday, 2 June 2016
So today i woke up and decided to drive into work as i was running late and after doing a 12 hour shift yesterday felt knackered my mood today isnt great think i need to get out in the bike tomorrow doesnt help ive slipped back into unhealthy eating but im sure ill get back on track tomorrow just some rest after work tonight and to relax as in struggling to concentrate at work.
Anyway thats my thoughts on today for me sorry its not cycling related.