my 40 mile bike ride on the worst day of my life!

OK so on the 7th June 2016 i set out to go on a bike ride i had set myself a 73 mile route ( i was being  Ambitious my plans for the day was to go for a bike ride and come home have a bath and then go and see my granddad in hospital so i started out  like  any other ride  i was a little nervous as i had  never done a long ride  with the new  road pedal and road shoes but figured i had to start somewhere.

 so i  get to  Greenwich   and go under the  foot tunnel everything  up til then was pretty the same   i was  taking it slow as i was concerned how i would fair up  on the mileage and i had set myself a lot of  hill climbs  which i'm not fond of. Anyway i get to Greenwich  park and was looking forward  to going through Greenwich park and up the hill til i saw it it looked steep and it was my first challenge  and i got through it keeping ahead of the cyclist behind me i joined shooters hill and at first i thought my route planning was up the shoot i was expecting it to be a lot steeper I've now learnt careful what you wish for 1 mile in or so it seemed the gradient went from easy to ok its silly steep now  but i have to admit i thought to give up  but battled on  and enjoyed the ride down hill  nearly hitting 40 mph setting off the sign did make me smile i'm not going to lie as i cycled on i had to check my route a few  times as i had planned to go up knee hill  (my challenge was to get up in one piece) and when i checked i was going up bostal road hill a couple of photos of bostal hill and how i looked  just getting u pit.

 So i get up the hill and enjoy the flat  part  and the descent and then i realize messed up i had planned to go up knee hill and  had messed up as i had got to the top of knee hill so i enjoyed the down hill  ride but feeling like i had robbed myself of  a challenge i tried to go back up the hill go half way up and felt pressured  but how slow i was  going and all the cars backing up  behind me to give you an idea of the road it is a  narrow road going up the hill with one lane either side and not much space either side. feeling bad and  struggling i decide  half way up to comeback and challenge the hill again   the rest of the ride is a semi flat run into Greenwich city centre although i did pick up some speeds  i hadn't done before i took a few snaps of  the area near  at Greenwich.

 So anyway the ride from canary wharf  was not pretty interesting  however i was shocked to see how bad a  deliveroo cyclist was he seemed spaced out had not helmet jumped  red lights  and i was like seriously i can do better then you so figured i'd apply when i get home and show deliveroo what proper cyclists can do.
Anyway i get to the  homeward stretch and look up and the clouds looks like they are about to rain  down on me realizing I've been out for nearly three hours i decide to round up my ride to the 40 mil mark and call it a day so i start to do a round trip near home as i do the heavens open and it  buckets down being only 1.2 miles short of my distance i say sod it  i'm going to finish what i started  and so  battle through it and get the 40 mile  mark and turn into home.

I get home run the bath and chill why i  i'm waiting for the bath to gill up mum comes in from walking the dogs and  just after 3pm we get a call to come to the hospital and bring everyone my heart sinks i jump out of my cycling  gear and  am ready to go  in 3 minutes to  get to the hospital   mum and i are in the car   after she has made the calls to  get hold of our family we make it to the hospital and my heart sinks i cant express what this man has meant to me and how i feel now  i'm trying to battle  my emotions  as i'm scared of what i will say and  how i'm feeling  i know i need to get away  after  all the formal bits and i'm staying strong for my mum  but i'm hurting i'm hurting  really bad i thought last year when  my marriage collapsed that was it  that was the end  as my children mean the world  and i didn't  see a way forward now  i feel even deeper i'm battling and i will stay strong  but slipping into depression before  was  difficult  to get out of  but i managed it  without the help of the mental health team who did nothing for me.

I will get through this now its just so hard and i'm hurting so so so much i don't know what else to do  but i know  granddad is looking down on me and he was a fighter and always taught me to  push myself and to  keep fighting and i will but  granddad its hard now i feel my strength has gone  but i will get through this and i will succeed its strange as most people need people around at this time  but me i'm different i just want to be left alone to work out everything to come to terms with what has happened and what i will do now.
I have to reevaluate my life and what i want out of life and do what i want to do.